Kash's Krazy Real-Life Fairy Tale

Patel wrote a children's book about going after "The King's" enemies. Now the fairy tale is set to become real.

Kash Patel is straight out of MAGA central casting. He has a tendency to refer to himself as K$H, because the grift is a point of pride in Trump’s orbit. His qualifications center around total obeisance to Trump, who starred in Patel’s children’s trilogy (I kid you not) “The Plot Against the King.” The King is Donald Trump. Among the villains in the books are “Hillary Queenton” and the “heralds,” who wear monickers identifying them as “CNN,” “NYT,” and “The Post.” Despite the forces arrayed against him, the King pulls off a surprise electoral victory (since when do monarchs get elected?). Undeterred, the heralds and Hillary Queenton team up to spread the hoax that the “Russionians” interfered in the King’s election. Luckily, the one person who can vanquish the King’s enemies is a wizard named Kash, who does it seamlessly and with little effort. None of these villains is a match for his genius and unswerving loyalty to the King.

I would say this is a batshit crazy story to read to impressionable children but Fox News has fed the exact same narrative to its adult audience for nearly a decade and they bought it, so why wouldn’t four-year-old Timmy? Plus, we all know that Patel’s intended audience is not little toddlers but the big toddler-in-chief currently occupying the Oval Office.

With Patel nominated to become Trump’s pick to lead the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the storyline about Kash the Wizard vanquishing Hillary Queenton and the heralds is set to be brought to life. In Patel’s mind, there is nothing fictional about the enemies arrayed against his king. (Let us pause for a moment to reflect on the fact that, until the Supreme Court’s decision in Trump v United States last year, this land was not ruled by a king for nearly 250 years. Now, those halcyon centuries are over.)

In fact, Patel has an enemies list that is quite real. Hillary Queenton may not be on it but Hillary Clinton is. All the people Trump thinks unfairly launched the investigation into his dealings with “Russonia” — excuse me Russia — and his “perfect phone call” with Ukrainian President Vladimir Zelensky are on it, from Robert Mueller to Alexander Vindman to Andrew Weissmann to Rod Rosenstein. Even former Attorney General Bill Barr is on it because he dared to say that there is no evidence that the 2020 election was stolen.

Patel has actually gone to the lengths of creating an AI-generated video where he uses a chainsaw to saw the heads off people like Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Adam Kinsinger, Adam Schiff and former Biden Assistant Health Secretary Rachel Levine, whose apparent crime is being transgender. There is a random shot of General Mark Milly wearing bright red lipstick because… it’s not really clear why but it probably makes sense in the MAGA rabbit hole Patel inhabits. In case the message is not clear, “Bad to the Bone” is playing in the video’s background, though it’s also unclear who is bad to the bone — the people whose heads Patel is lobbing off with a chainsaw or Patel himself.

I bring up Patel because the FBI is under the auspices of the Justice Department, which will soon be led by former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi. At her Senate Judiciary Committee hearing, Bondi promised that there would be no “enemies lists” but staunchly defended Patel. Politico reports:

Bondi gave a full-throated endorsement of Patel, arguing he was the “right person” for the job and well-qualified. She also declined to defend or criticize his past statements, saying she was unfamiliar with them and would let him speak to them at his own confirmation hearing.

“I don’t believe he has an enemies list. He made a quote on TV that I have not heard,” Bondi said, deftly avoiding discussion of a book Patel wrote containing a long list of “Government Gangsters.”

At times, Bondi sought to remind the committee, gingerly, that she would be Patel’s superior. “Mr. Patel would fall under me and the Department of Justice and I will ensure that all laws are followed — and so will he.”

Uh huh. This week, the Justice Department purged over a dozen career prosecutors who investigated Trump's actions on January 6th. The acting United States attorney for Washington, DC also launched an investigation into prosecutors who brought obstruction charges against the January 6th insurrectionists. If there are no “enemies lists,” why are career prosecutors being purged and investigated simply for doing their jobs?

Anyone who falls for Bondi’s gaslighting does not deserve to serve in the United States senate. A Justice Department operating in a post-Trump v. United States world is going to “ensure that all laws are followed,” even if Donald Trump and Kash Patel decide to go after their critics with all the powers of the federal government? Sorry, but the Supreme Court has ensured that Trump can do whatever he wants. And even if that were not the case, Trump would just pardon Patel on his way out the door. The people Patel puts through hell in his quest to make his little fairy-tale books come true won’t be so lucky.

Bondi’s “full-throated endorsement” of Patel is disqualifying, even if she did tell the Judiciary Committee that, “The partisanship, the weaponization will be gone. America must have one tier of justice for all.” Anyone who believes that after everything her boss, the president of the United States, has promised and already done in just one week in office might as well suit up like Charlie Brown and wait for Lucy to yank away the football again.